I have PPD & PPA, now what?

So in my last post I described my experience with Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety. I actually had every intention to write about my experience AND things that helped in the same post. But how I write is how I talk, the word vomit just comes out and I can't shut up. So now I am going to share the 3 things that I did that helped me understand and cope. I am very careful not to use the word "cure". Because I don't think things like depression and anxiety can go away like that. It's something that I have learned how to handle and, most importantly, learned how to keep from escalating out of control.

1) THERAPY

The day I decided to find a therapist was the day I decided it was time to make myself a priority. It's very easy for mothers to feel invisible sometimes. It was time that on my long list of daily to-do's, which included keeping my kids alive and making sure my house didn't look like an episode of hoarders, that I myself made it on that list.

 You know the phrase "happy wife, happy life"? 

My husband will tell you it's not only a cute phrase, it is an essential way of life. When mama is not happy, EVERYONE in the house feels it. My oldest especially. He feels and takes on any negative emotion I (or anyone for that matter) might be feeling around him. 

The first day I walked into her office I was actually excited, I was ready to see results (in true Type A fashion). I chose my therapist because not only did she specialize in PPD and PPA, but she also has experienced with it first hand! I can not accurately describe how relieved I was that she had not only had the knowledge to help me, but when I talked to her, it felt like talking to a friend. She also had experienced sitting on her bathroom floor while crying or feeling overwhelmed with a screaming baby. 

"I am a bad mom" 

Did you know there are a million ways to be a good mom, but in all actuality, very small ways to be a "bad" mom. Abuse, neglect, abandonment? Totally bad mom things. Letting my kids only eat gold fish crackers for lunch one day or my kids throwing a fit in Target? Not even close to being a bad mom. But because I have this need for perfection, I was constantly grading (and comparing) myself. 

Think of it this way. When you are at a job, how do you know you are succeeding? Raise? Promotion? Better parking space? Those are things that let you know you are doing a good job. Stay at home moms don't get that. And since my personality type craves a gold star for things, I told myself that if my kids acted a certain way or if I did things a certain way, that was my gold star. Therapy taught me that gold stars show up in lots of different ways. It wasn't until I let go of the idea that there is only 1 good or 1 bad way to parent that I was able to free myself from the pressure and anxiety I would feel every day. 

Rewriting my narrative

I said before that when my anxiety was at it's peak, everything felt like a 10. Toddler spilling cereal? 10. Traffic? 10. My kids screaming? 10. Being late to put the kids to bed at the exact time every night? Panic attack. Do you know what an actual 10 should be? War. Death. Financial troubles. While having kids of course can be stressful, daily toddler-ville is not 10 worthy. My stress levels were constantly at a 10 that it didn't know how not to be at a 10 at all times. So if something happened that was just mildly inconveniencing, my body would react like a muscle memory and felt like I was having a nervous break down.  My body thought it was going to war every day.

I remember running late to a session with her one week and I was sweating and in tears. I told her that I was sorry for being late but I needed to nurse Charlie and he was being difficult. And I told her "This is why I have issues. I have to make the choice to feed my baby or go to therapy! Why do moms always have to make these kind of choices??". After talking she made me realize that I was doing it again. Let's rewrite this. Would Charlie ACTUALLY go hungry? Of course not. He was with my husband who could give him a snack or defrost some pumped milk. It wouldn't be the most efficient or perfect situation but so what. But because things didn't go exactly according to MY plan, then I jump to a 10 which is my baby will starve. Not the reality.  

It wasn't until I started therapy that I deeply and whole heartedly feel every single person on the planet should be in therapy. Just like we get our annual physical check up once a year, we should be getting our annual mental check up. Because let's be real, it's no secret that when your mental health is not right, it can manifest into physical symptoms. It seems like killing 2 birds with one stone #amiright?! 

2) SOCIAL MEDIA

After my very first session with my therapist, she gave me one homework assignment. She told me to go home and delete anyone online that I didn't actually know. She told me that social media feels like this never ending race and nobody makes it to the finish line. There is always a new fad or trend that people are supposed to do. So I did. I immediately went home and deleted anyone who made me feel like my kids rooms were not Pinterest worthy or #goals. Anyone that made me feel bad for not feeding them every color of the rainbow in vegetables. People who are 95 lbs and 30 of those lbs are makeup and eyelashes. Mommy bloggers who have nannies and all the help in the world but say #messymomlife etc. People painting this picture of perfection that doesn't actually exist. 

But but but we all have the same 24 hours as Beyonce right? We are woman and we can do it all! Of course we can! But just because we CAN, doesn't mean all of us want to do it all. I never realized how much all of it affects me until it all feels piled on. My feed tells me I am not traveling enough, eating enough amazing food, drinking enough Starbucks or wine, working out or putting in that hustle. It's constantly telling me I am not good enough. So I decided that day that I would stop letting other people tell me how I should live my life. Do I still sometimes fall envious of people or the things they accomplish or cool trips they take? Of course I do! #imstillhuman But I just don't let it define me or control me anymore.

3) Hello New Friend #CBD

Like most people, I had heard about CBD all around but never really knew what it actually was. All I heard was that people loved it. So naturally, that sparked my interest. For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, CBD is short for Cannabidiol which is one of the many chemical compounds found in canabis. I'm not going to go into everything about it because there is a lot of information and that's why google was invented. Personally, I went directly to a local CBD shop to get my questions answered. But I will tell you why it helped me. 

When I take CBD I don't feel high. Not even slightly. I just feel more like me. I'm not necessarily always calm, but it just takes the heart palpitating panic out of my brain. It helps me think more clearly. For example on Day 2 of trying it, I noticed something. Usually getting out the door with 2 adults and 2 kids is a 45 min ordeal. Packing snacks, getting kid dressed, "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES?!" Where are my keys? Did you remember to pack the binky??" But that day, while I still felt slightly rushed, there wasn't this intense pressure in my chest and dire emergent feeling of "WE. NEED. TO. GET. OUT. THE DOOR!!" It was a refreshing change. 

One of the other benefits that I wasn't even looking for, but always appreciate, was that it helped me sleep better. Normally when I lay down at night, it's like my pillow making contact with my face ignites my brain. I can't stop talking my husbands ear off about my day or "don't forget we need to..". It drives him crazy because like every other person, bedtime means shhhh! But this time, only 10 mins into watching Altered Carbon, I was out. It's like CBD tells my brain to just cool it. 10/10 would recommend. 

And without these 3 things, I honestly don't know where I would be today.

Postpartum Depression & Anxiety...Tell that B**** to go home!

Let me paint you a picture.

6 weeks postpartum. New baby in tow with me to my check-up. Boobs are leaky. Bags under my eyes so heavy - Southwest Airlines most definitely would charge me extra for them. Running late to my appointment because Mr. nurses-every-30-mins took longer than expected to eat in the car. And the first words out of my providers mouth when she comes into the room is? 

DRUM ROLL....... 

So how's baby sleeping?

*insert eye roll emoji*

After about 5 mins of answering generic questions, her pager goes off, she ignores it.

"So I am worried that I don't feel right."

Pager Again. 

"I never felt this way with Henry. I am very overwhelmed and angry all the time"

Pager again. And Again. AND AGAIN!

"Someones in labor I gotta go! We will revisit this at your next appointment"

"When will that be?"

 "ASK THE FRONT DESK!"
(As she is running out the door)

And this ladies and gentlemen, is why we are FAILING MOTHERS! 

After that appointment I told myself that if it was serious, she would have addressed it. Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) is an important topic. So it must just be hormonal. No biggie. I'll be fine. I'm fine. On the drive home I was thinking about the small white piece of paper you fill out while in the waiting room. I kept thinking about it over and over and over again. Well, since I marked all of those NO, then clearly I am fine...right? 

1) Do you feel like you want to harm your child today?

2) Do you want to harm yourself today?

3) Do you have trouble getting out of bed?

Now let's fast forward 6 weeks. 

I had, what I like to call, PPA-the rage edition. At the drop of a hat, I would scream (and I mean SCREAM) at my children. Scream at my husband. Scream at my dogs. I was angry with everyone. Even more so, I was angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't handling this the "right" way. I wasn't handling this better. This is kid #2 Jenna, you should know what you are doing. You are fucking this up. Why can't you figure this out? Why is this so hard? It shouldn't be this hard so clearly I am the problem. I became overwhelmed by noise. Like the sound of a loud toy or a baby crying at the same time the TV was on would make me want to hyperventilate.

I am fortunate (and not so fortunate) to be surrounded my super moms in my life. Women who I believe have superpowers because of what they can accomplish in a 24 hour period. Social media didn't help me either. I would watch these women with way more kids than me and they were killing it. Hair and makeup done before the kids woke up? Check. Breakfast and beautiful bento box lunches made? Check. Pinterest styled home? Check. Having regular date nights or weekends away? Check. I told myself they had it all figured out. They found the answer to the balance I was struggling so hard to find. (It wouldn't be until much later that I learned social media was fueling a lie that was causing my unrealistic expectations)

The final tipping point? 

I am 12 weeks postpartum and both of the kids have been screaming nonstop for over 45 mins. Right now I could go into a very descriptive scene to describe why my kids were screaming but you have already been reading this for far too long so I will keep it short.  

I kicked a hole in the wall of our hallway. A very BIG one. 

See, what people don't tell you is that while PPD and PPA are more of a conversation now, it's still not enough. It needs to be THE conversation we have with both new moms and seasoned moms. I can't tell you how much time I spent talking to other moms about the best stroller, car seats, breast pumps and fucking Boppy's. It wasn't until I got help that I would see the root cause and the escalation. And let me tell you, being Type A was not helping my cause. Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety do not look the same for everyone. Mine? Looked something like this....

Anxiety:

Feeling completely paralyzed by the thought of taking both my children outside the house. How would it be possible? What if one of them needs something the exact moment the other one does? How do I nurse Charlie while also keeping an eye on Henry? What if Henry needs to use the bathroom? How do I stop nursing a screaming baby while my newly potty trained kid needs me? God forbid someone take a short nap or have a tantrum in public? I would feel like I was having a panic attack. I would think about 100 "what if's" that could go wrong the entire night before and morning of. On a scale from 1-10 everything in my life felt like a 10.
Every decision I would make felt like life or death.

Depression:

I am the worst mother in the world. My baby isn't sleeping. All I do is yell at my toddler. My husband deserves a better wife. I should be doing this better. Why can't I do this? 

I am writing this now because I didn't have the courage a year ago. It goes against my whole core of being a Type A. Admitting mistakes and needing help? #nothanks. We have to do better. We just do. I thought because I didn't have the "can't eat, can't get out of bed" stereotypical anxiety and depression, that I must have been fine. I missed so many moments with my kids because I was so overwhelmed and stressed about how my life should have been.

Now, since you have been reading this for way too long, in my next post I am going to talk about the 3 changes I made that literally changed my life.