Postpartum Depression & Anxiety...Tell that B**** to go home!

Let me paint you a picture.

6 weeks postpartum. New baby in tow with me to my check-up. Boobs are leaky. Bags under my eyes so heavy - Southwest Airlines most definitely would charge me extra for them. Running late to my appointment because Mr. nurses-every-30-mins took longer than expected to eat in the car. And the first words out of my providers mouth when she comes into the room is? 

DRUM ROLL....... 

So how's baby sleeping?

*insert eye roll emoji*

After about 5 mins of answering generic questions, her pager goes off, she ignores it.

"So I am worried that I don't feel right."

Pager Again. 

"I never felt this way with Henry. I am very overwhelmed and angry all the time"

Pager again. And Again. AND AGAIN!

"Someones in labor I gotta go! We will revisit this at your next appointment"

"When will that be?"

 "ASK THE FRONT DESK!"
(As she is running out the door)

And this ladies and gentlemen, is why we are FAILING MOTHERS! 

After that appointment I told myself that if it was serious, she would have addressed it. Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) is an important topic. So it must just be hormonal. No biggie. I'll be fine. I'm fine. On the drive home I was thinking about the small white piece of paper you fill out while in the waiting room. I kept thinking about it over and over and over again. Well, since I marked all of those NO, then clearly I am fine...right? 

1) Do you feel like you want to harm your child today?

2) Do you want to harm yourself today?

3) Do you have trouble getting out of bed?

Now let's fast forward 6 weeks. 

I had, what I like to call, PPA-the rage edition. At the drop of a hat, I would scream (and I mean SCREAM) at my children. Scream at my husband. Scream at my dogs. I was angry with everyone. Even more so, I was angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't handling this the "right" way. I wasn't handling this better. This is kid #2 Jenna, you should know what you are doing. You are fucking this up. Why can't you figure this out? Why is this so hard? It shouldn't be this hard so clearly I am the problem. I became overwhelmed by noise. Like the sound of a loud toy or a baby crying at the same time the TV was on would make me want to hyperventilate.

I am fortunate (and not so fortunate) to be surrounded my super moms in my life. Women who I believe have superpowers because of what they can accomplish in a 24 hour period. Social media didn't help me either. I would watch these women with way more kids than me and they were killing it. Hair and makeup done before the kids woke up? Check. Breakfast and beautiful bento box lunches made? Check. Pinterest styled home? Check. Having regular date nights or weekends away? Check. I told myself they had it all figured out. They found the answer to the balance I was struggling so hard to find. (It wouldn't be until much later that I learned social media was fueling a lie that was causing my unrealistic expectations)

The final tipping point? 

I am 12 weeks postpartum and both of the kids have been screaming nonstop for over 45 mins. Right now I could go into a very descriptive scene to describe why my kids were screaming but you have already been reading this for far too long so I will keep it short.  

I kicked a hole in the wall of our hallway. A very BIG one. 

See, what people don't tell you is that while PPD and PPA are more of a conversation now, it's still not enough. It needs to be THE conversation we have with both new moms and seasoned moms. I can't tell you how much time I spent talking to other moms about the best stroller, car seats, breast pumps and fucking Boppy's. It wasn't until I got help that I would see the root cause and the escalation. And let me tell you, being Type A was not helping my cause. Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety do not look the same for everyone. Mine? Looked something like this....

Anxiety:

Feeling completely paralyzed by the thought of taking both my children outside the house. How would it be possible? What if one of them needs something the exact moment the other one does? How do I nurse Charlie while also keeping an eye on Henry? What if Henry needs to use the bathroom? How do I stop nursing a screaming baby while my newly potty trained kid needs me? God forbid someone take a short nap or have a tantrum in public? I would feel like I was having a panic attack. I would think about 100 "what if's" that could go wrong the entire night before and morning of. On a scale from 1-10 everything in my life felt like a 10.
Every decision I would make felt like life or death.

Depression:

I am the worst mother in the world. My baby isn't sleeping. All I do is yell at my toddler. My husband deserves a better wife. I should be doing this better. Why can't I do this? 

I am writing this now because I didn't have the courage a year ago. It goes against my whole core of being a Type A. Admitting mistakes and needing help? #nothanks. We have to do better. We just do. I thought because I didn't have the "can't eat, can't get out of bed" stereotypical anxiety and depression, that I must have been fine. I missed so many moments with my kids because I was so overwhelmed and stressed about how my life should have been.

Now, since you have been reading this for way too long, in my next post I am going to talk about the 3 changes I made that literally changed my life.