Postpartum Depression & Anxiety...Tell that B**** to go home!

Let me paint you a picture.

6 weeks postpartum. New baby in tow with me to my check-up. Boobs are leaky. Bags under my eyes so heavy - Southwest Airlines most definitely would charge me extra for them. Running late to my appointment because Mr. nurses-every-30-mins took longer than expected to eat in the car. And the first words out of my providers mouth when she comes into the room is? 

DRUM ROLL....... 

So how's baby sleeping?

*insert eye roll emoji*

After about 5 mins of answering generic questions, her pager goes off, she ignores it.

"So I am worried that I don't feel right."

Pager Again. 

"I never felt this way with Henry. I am very overwhelmed and angry all the time"

Pager again. And Again. AND AGAIN!

"Someones in labor I gotta go! We will revisit this at your next appointment"

"When will that be?"

 "ASK THE FRONT DESK!"
(As she is running out the door)

And this ladies and gentlemen, is why we are FAILING MOTHERS! 

After that appointment I told myself that if it was serious, she would have addressed it. Postpartum Depression (PPD) and Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) is an important topic. So it must just be hormonal. No biggie. I'll be fine. I'm fine. On the drive home I was thinking about the small white piece of paper you fill out while in the waiting room. I kept thinking about it over and over and over again. Well, since I marked all of those NO, then clearly I am fine...right? 

1) Do you feel like you want to harm your child today?

2) Do you want to harm yourself today?

3) Do you have trouble getting out of bed?

Now let's fast forward 6 weeks. 

I had, what I like to call, PPA-the rage edition. At the drop of a hat, I would scream (and I mean SCREAM) at my children. Scream at my husband. Scream at my dogs. I was angry with everyone. Even more so, I was angry with myself. Angry that I wasn't handling this the "right" way. I wasn't handling this better. This is kid #2 Jenna, you should know what you are doing. You are fucking this up. Why can't you figure this out? Why is this so hard? It shouldn't be this hard so clearly I am the problem. I became overwhelmed by noise. Like the sound of a loud toy or a baby crying at the same time the TV was on would make me want to hyperventilate.

I am fortunate (and not so fortunate) to be surrounded my super moms in my life. Women who I believe have superpowers because of what they can accomplish in a 24 hour period. Social media didn't help me either. I would watch these women with way more kids than me and they were killing it. Hair and makeup done before the kids woke up? Check. Breakfast and beautiful bento box lunches made? Check. Pinterest styled home? Check. Having regular date nights or weekends away? Check. I told myself they had it all figured out. They found the answer to the balance I was struggling so hard to find. (It wouldn't be until much later that I learned social media was fueling a lie that was causing my unrealistic expectations)

The final tipping point? 

I am 12 weeks postpartum and both of the kids have been screaming nonstop for over 45 mins. Right now I could go into a very descriptive scene to describe why my kids were screaming but you have already been reading this for far too long so I will keep it short.  

I kicked a hole in the wall of our hallway. A very BIG one. 

See, what people don't tell you is that while PPD and PPA are more of a conversation now, it's still not enough. It needs to be THE conversation we have with both new moms and seasoned moms. I can't tell you how much time I spent talking to other moms about the best stroller, car seats, breast pumps and fucking Boppy's. It wasn't until I got help that I would see the root cause and the escalation. And let me tell you, being Type A was not helping my cause. Postpartum Depression and Postpartum Anxiety do not look the same for everyone. Mine? Looked something like this....

Anxiety:

Feeling completely paralyzed by the thought of taking both my children outside the house. How would it be possible? What if one of them needs something the exact moment the other one does? How do I nurse Charlie while also keeping an eye on Henry? What if Henry needs to use the bathroom? How do I stop nursing a screaming baby while my newly potty trained kid needs me? God forbid someone take a short nap or have a tantrum in public? I would feel like I was having a panic attack. I would think about 100 "what if's" that could go wrong the entire night before and morning of. On a scale from 1-10 everything in my life felt like a 10.
Every decision I would make felt like life or death.

Depression:

I am the worst mother in the world. My baby isn't sleeping. All I do is yell at my toddler. My husband deserves a better wife. I should be doing this better. Why can't I do this? 

I am writing this now because I didn't have the courage a year ago. It goes against my whole core of being a Type A. Admitting mistakes and needing help? #nothanks. We have to do better. We just do. I thought because I didn't have the "can't eat, can't get out of bed" stereotypical anxiety and depression, that I must have been fine. I missed so many moments with my kids because I was so overwhelmed and stressed about how my life should have been.

Now, since you have been reading this for way too long, in my next post I am going to talk about the 3 changes I made that literally changed my life.

Gwyneth Paltrow Gave Us a Baby

"So when are you guys going to start trying?"

"You guys are young"

"Try and not think about it"

"It will happen when you least expect it"

....things people suffering from infertility would rather put there head through a wall than to ever hear again!! Now I say that lovingly because it wasn't until further into our journey that I realized; people who can make babies by basically sneezing out a child don't know how to talk to people who are struggling to have kids. They just don't. They try their hardest and probably think saying above phrases is being helpful or supportive (and honestly, is there really a "right" thing to say?), but sometimes listening was all I needed. And a donut. I would have loved a donut during some of those failed attempts. I would be lying if I didn't say how much easier it is to talk about it now that our son is here. Do I wish I could have been this open 3 years ago? Do I wish that I didn't have to rely on social media (aka strangers) to know that I wasn't alone?

It's something we MUST talk about. It is so easy to feel completely like an outsider. It's easy to be so angry you could scream and at the very same moment be so heartbroken by the sight of a baby when you walk through Home Depot. I remember in my darkest thoughts I honestly believed people were getting pregnant and having babies JUST TO MAKE ME UPSET! #iwishiwaskidding

But baby making is supposed to be fun, right?! Yes, until…

• You’re having so much sex that it's become a chore. (Unthinkable? No Way? Try having sex every day for 30 days in a row for countless months because someone's best friends dog walker got pregnant that way and get back to me)
• You start taking fertility medications that turn you into a non-stop crying, "why is it always so hot in here?!?!", raging lunatic, ready to bite someones head off at any given moment.
• Your life revolves around ovulation predictor kits, basal body temperatures and cervical mucus (oh yea, I’m going there!)
• You spend every month believing that “this is my month!", only to have disappointment waiting around the corner.

It starts to become the norm. You can't remember the last time you weren't obsessively googling pregnancy symptoms. 

"Right knee hurts when standing up....does this mean I'm pregnant?" 

(Sadly, this was an actual search I made one of those months because I read somewhere that joint pain can be a pregnancy indicator #facepalm)

SO....... HOW DID WE ACTUALLY GET PREGNANT? And how does Gwyneth play a role?

To accurately tell that story, I need to bring you back in time a little. After being married for 3 years, we decided that we would start trying in September 2012. I was very naive and thought we would get pregnant right away. Very quickly I learned that just because you want a baby, doesn't always mean you get one. Month after month nothing was happening. I had irregular cycles but didn't think much of it. If only I had paid more attention to that detail. It would have saved me literally YEARS of pain and heartache to understand why we couldn't conceive. After over a year with nothing to show for it, we decided to see a fertility specialist. We did all the tests and work-ups and we got the diagnosis that I had "unexplained" infertility with "possible PCOS". Not actual PCOS. But my labs said I was slightly in the "PCOS" category. Basically we had NO ANSWERS! Awesome. Our doctor recommended to start Clomid and Metformin to try and trigger ovulation. I'll skip to the end and tell you after 3 months, nothing happened. Our doctor said that the only next option would be IUI or IVF #thousandsofdollars

Dane and I were on year 3 of no baby and actually had decided to take 2015 off from trying. It was getting too much to handle and we just needed a break. Around September 2015 I was at work one day when a co-worker was reading a magazine during lunch and said, "Oh Gwyneth! Can you believe her? This girl is crazy!" It obviously sparked my interest and I asked what she was talking about. She then went on to tell me that Gwyneth Paltrow's new "thing" was Yoni Steams AKA Vagina Steams.

Still with me?

We had a good laugh about how crazy celebrities are and I went on with my day. But for some reason, on the drive home from work, it stuck with me. I got curious as to why she would do them. So when I got home I grabbed my computer and did some investigating. And holy moly, my mind was blown! That Gwyneth knows what she is talking about! Essentially Yoni Steams are "a practice in which a woman allows the warmth of herbal steam to permeate the exterior of her vagina to heal your cycle."

Vibrant Souls Yoni Steam Herbs

 Yoni Steams Have Been Found Throughout History To:

• Significantly reduce pain, bloating and exhaustion associated with menstruation.
• Decrease menstrual flow as well as reduce dark purple or brown blood at the onset or end of menses.
• Regulate irregular or absent menstrual cycles.
• Increase fertility
• Speed healing and tone the reproductive system after birth.
• Treat uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts, uterine weakness, uterine prolapse & endometriosis.
• Assist with the repair of a vaginal tear, episiotomy, or C-section scar.
• Assist with the healing of hemorrhoids.
• Treat chronic vaginal/yeast infections, and works to maintain healthy odor.
• Relieve symptoms of menopause including dryness or pain during intercourse.
• Detoxify the womb and remove toxins from the body.

I'll speed it up by saying after my first steam, I got my period THE. VERY. NEXT. DAY! I was in complete shock! Like I said previously, I had VERY irregular cycles (50-75 days!). I continued to do the steams once a week for the remaining month of October and then into November. But then something interesting happened...my period didn't come in December! To say how disappointed I was, I can't even put it into words. I thought "I was finally getting answers! Something was FINALLY working in my favor! How could it not come?". I sulked for 3 days because I thought the steams were just a fluke. To this day, I can't tell you what possessed me to take a pregnancy test; I woke up one morning weirdly optimistic. I woke up thinking, "what if?". My thought was that if it was negative then who cares because I've been down that road MAAAANNNNYY times. Whats one more "no"?

IT. WAS. A. YEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told myself I was going to surprise Dane because Christmas was only 10 days away. I could keep that to myself right? WRONG. My brain turned off and I literally ran downstairs waving the stick to him crying my eyes out. He didn't know what to say because he assumed it was negative (like the many times before). We hugged. We cried. And here we are today with our beautiful 10 month old....all thanks to Gwyneth Paltrow.

WHERE TO PURCHASE

Yoni Steam Herbs (6 Steams)